30 Years

As it turns out, I am, in fact, alive!

Reasons for my absence boil down to a severe bout of depression following some unsavory life events, and getting back into the swing of art. And I'm sure if you ask almost any artist, stopping when motivated is scary because you never know when it will come back. In short, sorry for my absence, but I'm still not in the clear for a regular schedule just yet.

Today is my 30th birthday. Looking back at my 30 before 30 post, I definitely bit off more than I could chew with that list. I never really factored in my bouts of severe depression, which was silly of me seeing as how they happen multiple times a year, and this year was no different.

To bare all (or to bare what I am at least comfortable with making public knowledge), I went through a break-up with my boyfriend of two years, which somewhat set off the depression. Shortly after, my living situation worsened due to almost total and constant lack of privacy or any time alone. As someone who is very introverted, I require a great deal of time alone to function around other people. I wasn't (and still am not) getting that much needed refuge, so life is a constant game of "how much anxiety will I go through today?" I'm still saving to move, but my moving date keeps getting pushed back as new expenses arise and I honestly lose hope at least once a week.

That particular spell of depression lasted longer than most, and it was the most severe to hit me in a while. However, I've mostly pulled out of it and can focus on trying to better things for myself as best I can while in my current situation.

If you follow my art tumblr, you've no doubt noticed the barrage of fanart that has taken it over. To be honest I can't really make any excuses for the fanart. I used games as an escape from my problems and what it led to was more inspiration than I knew was possible. I'm still so relieved over feeling any desire to pick up my artwork again, whatever the content. The fact of the matter is, I've drawn more in the past 3 months than I had in the past 3 years! Unforgivable! What's also sad is how quickly I'm improving. If I had put this much work into the past three years, imagine how much more developed my art would be by now! It's a shame. I can only hope this inspiration leaks into my original work soon and I can start putting together my comics without getting discouraged!

To focus on more of the positive in my life, I began taking care of my body again. I wanted to turn 30 without more regrets than necessary, and getting back into shape was one of the things close to the top of my to-do list. My body was feeling more and more foreign to me as this year passed, and finally I had enough. As my depression cloud faded, I knew I had to do something to help with my physical well-being. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I'm well on my way. I joined Pop Physique in late July and have been going at least 3 times a week ever since. There hasn't been much change to my physical appearance (if any) but I can definitely feel a difference inside myself. I FEEL and strong and capable and it is affecting my entire outlook. I feel more confident than I have in months and months and even when I'm not having the best of days, I can still feel some satisfaction that my body feels more familiar to me. I've still a long way to go before I'm at my best again, but little by little I'm getting there.

Turning 30 has always seemed like such a huge milestone and a big deal. It was like the next major level up of life! I've been worried for the last few years that I hadn't done enough, that I had nothing to show for myself despite being an official OFFICIAL really real adult now. How did I get here without earning all the required XP? Being here now is a lot less scary than it looked two years ago. Hell it even is a lot less scary than it looked 2 months ago. I still have goals and dreams, some may be possible and some may still be dreams forever. (Does the ultimate margarita truly exist, and where can I find it?) Maybe I won't accomplish anything until I'm 40, or maybe when I'm 50 everything will fall into place in my life. I think it's best to stop relying on magical numbers now. Whatever I do or do not accomplish have nothing to do with my age! I can only focus on doing what makes me happy and living my life the best I can.

I still plan on going through my 30 before 30 list and talking about what I pulled off and how and why. I also still have tons of Portland photos never shared. Photo-editing is such a task! I think if I share those, I might just jam my favorites into a big post (or two) and be done with it. I still have a few ideas floating around for this blog, though not exactly the ones I originally intended. My outfit posts are on indefinite hold for now. While part of the reason I stopped doing them was from depression and not feeling good about myself, the other reason was weight gain. I don't fit into a majority of my favorite clothes right now. I'm also not anywhere near well-off enough to just completely overhaul and refill my wardrobe with my current size. Without cute outfits that fit, there aren't any cute outfit posts. I haven't even been taking outfit photos for instagram anymore either. I'll get back into that whenever I'm able and hopefully have enough of my other content to keep things going around here. Regardless, apologies for my unannounced absence, and apologies still for what will continue to be a rocky path to getting this blog to where I would like it to be!

For now I plan to continue my week long celebration that began on Sunday. I'm 30 damnit! It takes at least a week to process and move on to the next level of age. Will this be the year I finally learn the much coveted skill of playing through a D&D game? How much more grinding at my day job will I have to do to earn enough coin to support my true passions? Will I finally complete quest "move out of parent's house"? Until then, that quest for the ultimate margarita continues.

Until next time,

Jessie xxoo

Obsessive Escapism

Have you ever just completely lost yourself in something? A good book, a movie, a relationship maybe?

When I get into something, I can lose myself very easily. I can easily become obsessed when my emotions are really invested in something. Escapism is a coping mechanism for me with anxiety and depression, and while in some cases it can also become a crutch, it's definitely my go-to when life is handing me stressor after stressor.

Over the past month I've played through the entire Mass Effect trilogy. It seemed like the right thing to do because life was just kind of becoming overwhelming with all the what-ifs and unanswerable questions. I've played the first game before with mild enjoyment, and had played part of the second too with greater enjoyment. However, my memory being what it is, I couldn't really remember the details of the main plot and decided to replay the series from the start. And I guess my sense of escapism kicked in because I got 100% emotionally invested in the games this time around. I gave more meat to my Shepard (which is who you see in that drawing, my Aram Shepard) and obsessively read about the Mass Effect universe in down time, and I drew fanart.

If you're into games, RPGs, or shooters (ME is third-person) but also enjoy being part of a story, I'd definitely recommend these games, though I would say to give yourself time in between. These games are actually very emotionally intense and playing them back to back really affected my emotional health. The writing can lull at times but for the most part it is very on point.

My reason for enjoying games so much is to be actively involved in a story where your choices affect the outcomes. For me, it's kind of like being an actor in a movie, except you're choosing the script and the direction that movie takes. Plus you get to meet some great characters along the way and make a few fictional friends. I'm not sure if that's something to promote. But as an introvert who has commitment issues, and relationship issues, finding comfort in fictional characters is something I've been doing for a large part of my life. I'm not sure it's something that will ever change either. But that's a story for another day.

I'm not saying what I've been doing over the past month is very healthy. I haven't gone out much (I'm trying to save money anyway, but I'm reaching near hermit levels of reclusion) and have avoided spending time with people because I wanted to play the games. I've obviously ignored this blog. Not to mention I've been neglecting my health. My eating is erratic at best and my sleep is even more so. This level of obsession and escapism isn't something I do often though, and I usually recover pretty quickly (i.e. after the game is completed, which it was as of last night).

But on the plus side of things, it's gotten me drawing again. And painting digitally again, which I really missed. I already have tons of ideas written down for paintings and comics. Having the urge to WANT to draw and paint is amazing. I hope I can hold on to it and just enjoy making things, even if not everyone cares about them. Just making things I like would be great.

Do you guys have similar coping mechanisms or inclinations toward escapism? What are your favorite ways to escape once in a while?

Because the music for the Mass Effect series is also wonderful, I'll leave you with this:
Such wonderful soundtracks with amazing scores. Clint Mansell of "Requiem for a Dream" fame actually pitched in and composed the tracks in this video.

Until next time!

Jessie xxoo